Fine. I'll sleep in my office
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
