I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
