I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Randomize