John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
