Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
