where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
