Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
