we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
