so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
