Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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