if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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