How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
