...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
