plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
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