Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
