Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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