I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
