bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Randomize
