Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
