I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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