Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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