erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
