ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Randomize
