you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
