The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
