I could make wine with my vomit
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
