I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
