false alarm. still invincible.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
