If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
