Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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