I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
