his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
