The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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