Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Holy sore nipples Batman
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Randomize
