She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
They took my balls.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
