I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
