i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
My Higher Power is John Stamos
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
