i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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