I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
