My vagina just recognized that song.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
