my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
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