1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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