I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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