Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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