My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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