So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
