I'm lost and stupid without you.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
