Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
