woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
