so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
