I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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