I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
